Finchel

Glee's been messing with a bunch of unrealistic high-schoolers singing for no reason in front of majestic backgrounds in the auditorium of a public institution which supposedly has budget problems for three years.

Singing for no reason shouldn't really be allowed to last that long. But magically, it still wraps us all in its spell. Sometimes. After a few disgracing falls in the never ending pits of hell, like last year's Christmas special, the whole gang was dragged back up from the tail by a super bitchin' Summer Nights rendition. Then Sue wore The Fascinator and became my dream maid of honor. Lastly Finn asked Rachel to marry him. And that's what you missed on Glee.

Now I dislike Rachel as much as any of you and the thought of her going all bridezilla makes the pit of my stomach clutch, but you gotta admit the potential for over the top teenmance is unlimited with these two. New Glee airs tonight and although I'd love to see her go bald I'd also like her to say yes.

These are the possible scenarios:

• they marry and get to stay in town after graduation thus making for many more chances for Finn to actually cheat on her with Santana;
• they marry and Rachel's dads offer the couple to stay with them thus spinning a few renditions of classic disco music;
• they marry and Finn finally has to grow some balls and become a rounded character;
• they marry and Rachel finds out the hard way that Finn is a far cry from the popular jock he's perceived to be, has a tantrum and starts losing her hair.

All in all what's not to like?


Update: obviously I went ahead of myself but Glee actually never aired last night because of something called state of the union. One more week to think about Rachel going bald classic disco music renditions.

Mind-blowing TV (yes, there is some)

It’s not a secret I’m a TV show junkie, also not a secret that I rummage my head while in bed at night. Well, a few moons ago I was thinking about the thrills moving pictures gift you with when something awesome suddenly happens. That goes even more so for episodic productions, because when you follow a story you breathe with it for so long and then BAM... Top ten mind-blowing moments in my television experience.

10. I Ross, take thee... Rachel.

Friends, The One With Ross's Wedding (May 7, 1998)

Everyone knew Ross was still in love with Rachel. Chandler knew, Joey knew, Monica knew, Phoebe knew, Rachel knew and Ross himself probably knew. Okay, there was one person who didn't know, and that was Ross's new fiancée Emily. Emmeleeee.

9. McDreamy is Mcmarried.

Grey’s Anatomy, Who's Zoomin' Who? (May 22, 2005)

You find the hottest guy on the planet in a bar, just like that, he’s a doctor, takes home the big bucks, he wants to make sweet love to you although you’re frigid and push him away. Hello!! He’s bound to have a catch. Thank god his catch did not begin with STD.

8. Joey hearts Pacey, the slut.

Dawson’s creek, … Must Come to an End (May 14, 2003)

She should have chosen Dawson and left the Witter to me. Get your hands off him!!

To be honest I loved how things turned out with this show here, but just because in my mind I had bit off Katie Holmes’ head and replaced it with mine.

7. Nathan Petrelli is (s)hot.

Heroes, Powerless (December 3, 2007)

Heroes’ second season was a snooze fest, except when Milo Ventimiglia got naked. After a while even that got old. Through a whirl of useless flashbacks the audience was preparing to live with a soon to be ex-favorite show when someone puts a couple bullets in Nathan Petrelli’s sexy ass. Ok, now I’m listening.

6. Mom?

Alias, Almost Thirty Years (May 12, 2002)

New show, first season. There’s a mad villain trying to destroy the world. We’re talking someone that makes Magneto’s panties dirty. Simply known as THE MAN - shaking while typing. Our heroin is up for confrontation. How can a girl beat THE MAN? Magneto’s still shitting himself. The Man enters the room, flies run for cover. What they didn’t notice is that The Man is actually The Woman. More poignantly The Mother (who was supposed to be dead). Ladies and gentlemen, Lena Motherfucking Olin.

5. Looks like Karofsky likes guys then.

Glee, Never Been Kissed (November 9, 2010)

The gay kid in school is harassed by the bully. Kind of played out right? The bully is also fat and ugly so why does he think he can bully anyone anyway? Not that relevant. Fat bully corners Gay kid in the locker room, kind of charges back and… Sticks his man-butt lusting tongue into his mouth. We’ve seen it before, but never with an army of show choir singing schoolgirls with matching outfits in the back. Homosexual predictable twist made unpredictable, Glee style. That’s how Cricci sees it.

4. We have to go back.

Lost, Through the Looking Glass (May 23, 2007)

Off Island Jack is miserable, alcoholic, addicted to drugs, dirty and super hot nonetheless. Nothing necessarily new. Although this time he’s planning to commit suicide. Oh well. Before he does he meets up with Kate. Hold on, why would he meet with her? They didn’t know each other until… Either the show’s gone crazy or I’ve blinked a couple minutes too long… Let’s see, as they talk on a dock he pleads with her to, return to the island. Say what? That's right: this Jack and Kate we're seeing are in the fucking future. Flashforwards bitches!

3. Sydney’s robbed. Of (almost) two years.

Alias, The Telling (May 4, 2003)

After meeting her dead mom when she shot her in the shoulder, Sydney battles her best friend Francine to the death. Wakes up in Honk Kong and somehow doesn’t give a shit, she just wants to go home. Her boyfriend comes pick her up. How sweet. He’s wearing a curious wedding band on his very important finger, but it’s not her name that’s on it. Holy freaking cannoli, you, explain. As it happens it’d slipped Sydney's mind that she’d been MIA for TWO YEARS. Wild run discovering what the heck happened to her all the while next season. Genius!

2. You can always go downtown.

Lost, A Tale of Two Cities (October 4, 2006)

There’s cupcakes, and I can already tell I’m gonna like this season opening. Book club meeting’s interrupted by a earthquake, people rush out to the village square. Tiny yellow houses and pickett white fences. Cute, why are they showing this to us? While I’m making up wild theories Henry-WTF-Gale walks out and joins a blond nobody. Something weird’s in the sky. Looks like a wait! It’s a plane losing control, it’s splitting in two, it’s Oceanic. This. Just. Gave me. An orgasm. The Others live in fucking Plesantville. ON the island. Had to watch it over and over again till the sun rose. Still gave me orgasms.

1. For starters my name isn’t Michael Vaughn.

Alias, Before the Flood (May 25, 2005)

Sydney, with metaphorical flowers beaded in her hair and sweet winds of love twirling around her vagina, proposes to Vaughn while they’re driving down the 101. He’s touched, and has the perfect answer for her. Actually he has three. First, his name’s not really Michael Vaughn. Wait, what? Second, it was no accident that he had been assigned to be her CIA handler several years before. Sure. Third... Actually, there’s no third, because before Vaughn could even explain one and two, a car suddenly crashed into his driver's side door and woah. Give me the fucking new season you son of a…

Undercovers - Not without my daughter

The episode this week feels like a lame Alias installment, so in Undercovers world, that’s pretty awesome! Sadly there’s no Leo. But plenty of Stupid Sister, frankly waaaay too much. To the extent that we are painstakingly greeted by her and one obnoxious phone call she’s trying to keep underwraps in order to cover up some shady biz. Either she’s hiding the fact that she drinks again, in which case we couldn’t care less, or she’s a spy too and plays for the opposite team, to which I would reply BRING IT and momentarily excuse the writers for showing her face. But then again maybe she’s just having an affair with Leo. So thrust her back into the dark.

Moving on, there’s a ninja in a dumpster in North Korea. You get my attention now. The ninja infiltrates an office building and steals a thoroughly compartmented object a la Sydney Bristow and the old red floating ball. He manages to escape the guards from the window and lowers himself down to the floor beneath where he strips of ninja attire and sits at his desk. Woah, high treason. He looks like a slim Ken Tanaka, and goes to meet his daughter Gogo Yubari to tell her he must be going far away and someone will come for her. I wonder who that someone is. I hope it’s Leo for a sec, but I’ve already given away that he’s MIA. Wait a minute! Oh God, maybe he’s making out with Stupid Sister. Ew, gross.

Baldie explains to the Blooms that Ken Tanaka is a genius who wants to defect and go all CIA. They have to extract him from a conference in Geneva, where he is escorted by Korean guards because Korea has sniffed sniffed the smell of betrayal. Of course we can’t leave Baldie without a comic relief moment and we are treated to him shoving the Blooms out of his hotel room once the quesadilla he was waiting for arrives. That isn’t even remotely funny you guys!

That same night the Blooms are in bed trying to learn 8 years of physics in 8 hours in order to pass as believable scientists on their mission. This feat sounds so easily accomplishable that they decide they can spare a little time having sex. So they do. Have sex. Because they hadn’t humped last week and we were missing it.

The household back-story involves Sam wanting to organize a dinner party whereas Abs is a sociopath and doesn’t want to have friends. This kind of reminds me of the episode where Giuliana & Bill wanted to have people over, she tries to cook cannelloni for them and Jacobi almost throws up when he tastes them.

Back on track. Of course tartan jackets and horn rimmed glasses solely do a good job of making them look like scientists, so much in fact that they don’t really need to be prepared for the role. In hindsight they were fairly perceptive when they opted to do the nasty.

Besides, Flunkman knows how to search around Wikipedia and he reads out loud right in their earpieces. Revenge of the nerds. Abs flaunts his stuff saying smart is the new sexy. Very true. Flunkman being the exception obviously proves he’s smart AND a virgin. I think the problem there is your face honey.

The extraction doesn’t go smoothly but it’s indeed carried out, with the most unfortunate help of the chem. engineer double major virgin who blocks the elevator where Ken, Abs and Korea in the form of two guards are traveling, so that Abs can electrocute the guards and save the princess.

The princess though isn’t happy with his conditions anymore. He will comply with the CIA and hand them the device he stole at the beginning (which apparently does some serious shit) only if they bring Gogo Yubari stateside. Abs thinks he can be bribed with cars and houses and forget about her, but the wife disagrees, and because she feels bad about missing her sister’s party (which I won’t dwell into) she has a suddenly heighten family morale hence believes that Ken is right in wanting his daughter with him. Baldie says NO. “No one goes to Korea, no one moves. Roger that?”. Sam says “The hell”. Korea here we come!

The Blooms sans Flunkman pose as Canadian food inspectors, whatever that is, thus ensuing in a little French. I highly dislike this move. As a condition of their stay they are assigned a guide and confiscated passport and cell phones. They ask the guide to detour in a picturesque market where it’s easy for them to escape, then head to the house where Gogo Yubari is supposed to be. Supposed that is, because we were shown right before this that she has been taken by the police. While Sam is about to find out about a message Gogo managed to leave on the floor before being captured, there’s some noise coming from outside and the door to the apartment opens. Please be Leo. Be Leo. Aaaand… No.

It’s the Blooms’ French counterpart. A married spy couple looking for Gogo as well. Princess Ken Tanaka double dipped and is going to allow himself only to the best bidder, and that is whoever brings his daughter back. With sugar on top.

They find out the message on the floor points to a police station where Gogo is held hostage. The Blooms and the Depardieus decide to join forces in the rescue. Gerard is also very knowledgeable on this specific area of Korea because he posed as a journalist there for years. I don’t trust them one bit. Meanwhile Stupid Sister texts because she wants to hold on Sam’s skirt while celebrating her sobriety but Sam’s skirt is not there. I don’t like her one bit.

The police station is covered by a laundry business so the foursome make up a plan involving big carts full of dirty clothes to sneak in. At sundown. The girls distract the surroundings while the guys beat the crap out of people. When they get to Gogo she is about to be tortured. They knock the guards out and guess what? Taking advantage of a tiny moment of distraction on Abs part while he devours his wife’s ass with his eyes the Frenchie kidnap her. I knew they were scumbags. French.

Back in Geneva they want Ken Tanaka to hand them the device in order to see his daughter. Because Flunkman has fallen asleep he manages to sneak out and go meet them. When the Blooms get there he’s nowhere to be found.

I wonder how they boarded the plane back without their passport, considering they were flying solo and lacking any CIA approval nor connection.

Anyhow, the room where Ken was staying had been bugged so they’re able to locate the meet up place. Sam goes right there. The guys are left figuring out where Tanaka must have hidden the device and of course they pinpoint it in one split second: it’s in the podium at the conference centre. Right that moment the Depardieus learn the same thing. The wife stays behind with their hostages and Gerard goes retrieve the device. He is met by Horn Rimmed Abs minus the tartan and engages in a run through the kitchens where he is piteously defeated among the zucchines.

Meanwhile Sam on a cop bike and donning a leather jacket smashes the French bitch to the ground and rescues Gogo.

The power of family is then restored and even Baldie can’t argue with that. He’d offered Korea a bottle of whiskey and they had forgotten about the international intrusion. Sam hugs it out with Stupid Sister and has meal for two with her husband. Turns out dinner parties are overrated and Giuliana Rancic was right all along. Roll credits.

By the way, I liked this shot.

Undercovers - Jailbreak

Here we go with the accent episode. No, the title is not “accents” but it might as well have been. Today we learn that not just Sam is good with Great Britain inflections, but so is the rest of the cast. Bravo!

Dublin, Ireland. I’m distracted. Ok, I will tell you the truth. Scottish and Irish accents arouse the bejizzle out of me so I don’t care what these guys are saying, I just want to see them naked. Anyhow something has been stolen, go figure.

And, after the first couple of minutes in a foreign prelude we are, like each week before, surprisingly catapulted to the Bloom Catering offices. I’m wondering if the main outline of the episodes will start changing as the show evolves. I fear not. Stupid sister is there at 7 am cooking. Oh God writers please do not start a storyline for her, that’ll be a serious waste of money and some very good shows are being cancelled for financial difficulties right about now, think about that. Anyway I will dismiss this nonsense quickly. She’s trying to kiss the Blooms’ black slick asses because she wants their secret secret-agents’ money and she wants it now. I’ll spare you the pain of watching and tell you straight, Sam will give it to her, but Steve, oh Steve is a human lie detector, and his detecting sensor is mounted on his perfect abs, so that’s why it works so well. In fact he doesn’t buy this charade for a second. And he knows he’s right. He knows it so well he publicly displays his superiority by stand-offishly biting a shiny apple. You work it pal!

Spy-wise Baldie joins the Blues Brothers and implies ONCE AGAIN that the Blooms have been reactivated for some shady purpose. You already said that, we are not deaf, and if we were deaf we’d have subtitles so please move on!! But before his stupid stint is over he has one more present for us and he refers to the Blooms as rusty ONE MORE TIME. Right after that though he admits they’re not unintelligent. That sweeps through my auditory canal like a breath of fresh air. At any rate Baldie goes on to inform our sexspionagers that the hot accent guy has actually stolen a hard drive from a CIA cargo hence the old ballad of info selling. You get the gist of it. The news is he was actually arrested but escaped prison by faking a seizure while blatantly wearing an obnoxious wig. Can’t these people just cast actors with long hair??

Abs and Sam are flown to the prison right away to get a lead on the escaped prisoner. They are all equipped with fake identities and, of course, fake accents. Once they get there they are informed that their supposed boss is already on the premises. Drum roll, scared faces, camera pans right and… There is Leo. Hello Leo. Yes, you smile like that and ratings will go UP!!!!

Sam scolds him about passing as chief inspector, a move that was not exactly what you would call inconspicuous. But Leo replies that “you can’t spell inconspicuous without conspicuous” and you can see there and then that Sam wants to rip his clothes off. And quite frankly, so do I. Leo states he’s there to help them get their spy legs back and you can see there and then that Steve wants to bite him alive. And quite frankly, so do I, especially the neck. Yummy. While the guys talk about a few magazines that were found in the cell, which Leo had to confiscate for research – PORN – Sam finds a teddy bear full of what I assume to be seizure inducing drugs. Unfortunately it’s not that obvious for them and they resort to calling Flunkman for analysis. He keeps saying “matey” and that’s the most annoying he’s ever been so I will ignore him completely.

The detecting sensor in Steve abs smells an affiliation between hot accent wigged guy and an Irish gang. So Flunkman, who apparently is pretty crafted at drawing (this doesn’t make you any better, stop hoping) replicates the famous gang’s tattoo on Steve’s neck so he can infiltrate. Meanwhile hot accent guy shaves his wig off and wears sunglasses, great disguise, just like Peter Parker’s.

Here’s right about when it happens, possible character developing. Just as he’d done with Steve a couple of weeks ago Leo asks Sam if she’d been honest with the real motives that made her leave the CIA. And, wait for it, she hasn’t! I spy with my little eye a lot of lies here people. Start using them for plot purposes!! We should be so lucky. In fact Steve ruins the party and everybody goes to work.

The group splits up. The humping bunnies go to the gang’s headquarters to investigate while Leo and Flunkman reach for hot accent guy’s ex wife and find out she has the same teddy bear that was found in the cell. She is therefore a suspect and this allows Leo to have sex with her to extract information. Unfortunately she has not much to say, but Leo is not too discouraged by that.

At the gang’s Steve manages to get the name of hot accent guy’s partner in crime and Flunkman pinpoints the location of his house. They go there but there is no sign of the suspect. Instead they find Leo. Info travel faster under the sheets. The abs cannot suffer this kind of slight so they engage in a verbal slam-down with their disguised nemesis. Sadly for Steve Leo has the best of it comparing himself to a cheetah on the African plains that will always be ahead of him until he gets his spy legs back, thus being able to close the gap, mind, not catch up to him. Whoa! The race is on! Once things start to interestingly swirl over to Leo’s sex life Flunkman sadly intrudes. He’s found a cell phone number that will track hot accent partner down at the first phone call he gets. So we sit around, waiting. While we enjoy this dull moment of idleness the apple sneaks back in. Nice to see you again Ruby!

Hot accent partner finally gets a call. It’s hot accent wigless guy asking for a meet up. A little chat among friends I suppose. Once they get there Wigless’ true colors actually shine through as a damn doublecrosser. Ouch. I feel there’s always a doublecross in these Undercovers plot but surprisingly they haven’t bored me yet. Anyway Wigless has Partner’s wife and he wants to start flying solo, meaning he doesn’t want to have Partner as a partner anymore. Oh he must be crushed. So Partner has to back off if he wants to have his wife back. Of course he does. Wife is let go and while slowly scarily walking toward Partner, she gets a freaking gun and shoots her husband out cold. Ouch. OUCH!

Our talented spies and some of their high heels get in a little too late, but they are so not “unintelligent” that they figure out the murder must have been Wigless’ fault. Flunkman of course has an answer to any question so we are lead the way to London, England by means of a nice swing melody. That’s where Wigless and Traitor Wife are at.

They are checked in a hotel under the name George Best (another piece of info courtesy of Leo’s sexual intercourse), the only thing missing is a room number. Flunkman gets hold of it using what he calls the reverse seduction, meaning he had the lady concierge so focused on rejecting him she didn’t realize he’d downloaded the whole hotel registry on his cell. If it had been me working at that desk I would have puked all over his phone making his download trick totally useless. Observing the whole scene from afar already had me somewhat nauseous.

The quartet storms in George Best’s room. Traitor Wife is the only one there so they interrogate her. She is going to the opera to deliver the hard disk to the buyer. She doesn’t physically have the drive herself though, Wigless is going to make his appearance with it once the money is handed over. Luckily Traitor Wife is the same dress size as Sam so she can pose as her at the Royal freaking Albert Hall.

They display themselves as follows: Leo stewards in the main stalls, Sam pretends to be an attendee and waits for the buyer, Steve plays tympani in the orchestra (yes, wtf! Talking about being inconspicuous), and Flunkman thank God stays behind guarding Traitor Wife.

The buyer gets there and Sam texts Wigless just as he had instructed Traitor Wife to do. He then communicates her where he and the hard disk are located, in order to get to them, via a number. Of course Sam doesn’t have a clue what that number means and stalls for a second. Buyer gets suspicious and he’s totally on to her. That’s when the most awesome thing happens. While Buyer confronts Sam, Steve tells her to move slightly left when the strings kick in. As she does he shoots some narcotic right into Buyer’s stomach with the drumsticks - from the stage.

Meanwhile Leo figures out the number actually relates to a parking spot underneath the building so he rushes to the garage and sure enough finds Wigless, who is sufficiently quick to hold him at gunpoint. What’s faster then cheetahs Leo??  Steve sneaks off the stage and retrieves the briefcase full of money from under sleeping beauty Buyer’s seat but before heading to the garage he puts something in it. Once Sam joins the party as well Wigless throws her the hard drive and asks for his money. She won’t give it to him (and to be fair she doesn’t even have it), not even when he threatens to kill Leo. Her great excuse is that they have Traitor Wife in custody and she promises they’re going to shoot her if he shoots Leo. Turns out Wigless doesn’t give a fuck about Traitor Wife. She hears that and even sheds a tear.

Right at that moment the best spy on the planet – that’d be Steve – fortunately has a brilliant idea. He’s going to give Wigless the briefcase full of money AND let him keep Leo. Nice plan! No different than what he did to him in Belgrade. BAM, another previous mission reference, this could get juicy. I wonder how Wigless doesn’t figure out they’re planning to play him around. And they surely do. Leo jumps out of the car and a bomb explodes. Deafened by the noise he loudly states Steve finally got his spy legs back. He looks like a 7 year old on his birthday. He’s cute.

Back home Baldie asks if Sam knew there was a bomb in the briefcase when Steve handed it to Wigless. She says yes. Filthy liar. And that’s when all the chickens come home to roost. Leo had questioned the hot couple before: were they hiding their past from one another so they could shelter the agency, like they were stating, or instead in order to protect their shady selves? We are starting to get an answer to that question.

Sam is not sure the pact she made with her husband is a good idea anymore, she’s jealous she didn’t know about Belgrade while Leo did. She feels guilty that they’re not telling each other things about themselves, which is no different than lying. Spot on young lady. She wants to come clean about why she left the agency but Steve stops her mumbling some lame excuse on how he doesn’t want to know it as long as the fact that they wanted to leave a normal life was part of it. You could have come up with something more believable Steve! Of course Sam, being the spy that she is, totally smells the stink and implies that maybe Steve is saying all this because he doesn’t want to let her in HIS past. Steve finds himself stuck in a corner here so he does what every man would have done. He kisses her to shut her mouth. And she does what every woman would have done, she enjoys it. While Steve sneaks a pensive, untrustworthy look behind her back.

Surprisingly this episode ends without sex.

Undercovers - Devices

I might have approached Undercovers with the wrong attitude last week. I may have been too worried about reviewing it to actually enjoy it. This week I sat back, relaxed, and actually like it. Well, not exactly liked it liked it in a LOST kind of way. I just didn’t think I totally wasted 40 minutes of my day. Good enough right?

Here’s the thing. The show has its light touches, which I enjoy. If it were taking itself too seriously it would be committing suicide, but by presenting itself as a mockery, sexy piece of entertainment it just saves its day. Bare in mind though that you’re walking down a thin line here, one misstep and you’re out… I’ll be watching you!

***

I forewarn you, this episode starts and ends with sex, double ding ding! Also the title is “devices” so the jokes this week will be on all things technological widgets with which Steven is apparently obsessed, but I’ll do my best to skip on those.

The back-story kind of intrigues me, although I’m still strongly adverse to this one episode storylines. Gotta have the big season enemy, that’s how it works Show! I’m not talking Rambaldi. Rambaldi was a sham. I’m more along the lines of Sark, just someone whom you learn to love and hate and mostly would like to see naked until the big season finale and showdown. That’s called a climax J.J. and you are not taking advantage of that legit figure of speech. You should know better!

But I digress. The back-story we were talking about. Well there’s a psycho Shane Dawson in a mental institution. Mental institutions freak me out no matter what. Shane Dawson is a bipolar genius and he’s kidnapped from it in order to break a code that will let the bad guys into the CIA database, hence letting them in on the identities of all agents. That’s bad. Oh wait a minute. Does this mean that Flunkman gets killed?? Now I think I suddenly like bad guys’ plan! Anyhow Shane Dawson is a freaky eyed lil’ dude and he pops them right out for candies. So bad guys are bribing him with jelly beans. Sweet!

The animosity between the humping Blooms and Baldie is ongoing but it’s getting old y’all!!! Baldie steals Abs’ breakfast and they have a catfight, then Abs threatens Baldie and they have a catfight. So forth.

A boring side-story on the catering business and the stupid sister mishandling a funeral is chipped in. We. Don’t. Care.

And then unfortunately Flunkman appears. In a silky PJ the color of vomit. It is actually stated that it is 96% silk, and Abs adds: 4% Lady Gaga. This kind of humor makes me reappraise Vampire Sucks.

The operation so begins and Dimples makes his glorious entrance. In a slutty bar they discover the identity of the bad guys who let them right to where Shane Dawson is working the magic. Abs takes the lead and encourages Leo to follow him like in Budapest. Classy! I missed the references to previous missions you know nothing about, which leave you on the edge of your seat longing to know what comes next. This wasn’t exactly the case thoguh, cause Budapest was probably not that entertaining from what I gather, but I appreciate the chemistry this move creates. Of course Syd and Dixon were better at it.

After climbing a 20 storey high building from the outside with bare hands.

Extremely believable.

And a couple of gunfights later (bad guys were doublecrossing), the sexy trio recovers the laptop that was supposed to be the codebreaker and the silverfox bad guy (as described by Dimples) runs away with Shane Dawson.

Marry-go-merries return to their kitchen, laptop in hand, and here is a development I liked. They had actually failed. No excuses been made. Our leading people just plain sucked. That seldom happens. Baldie points out that the laptop is useless by itself and the Blooms, using a security camera that magnifies 1 gaziollion percent in HD, discover who Shane Dawson is by a hospital bracelet on his wrist, thus understanding that he is in fact the codebreaker. DAN DAN. I care to point out that Abs is actually using a macbook. Let’s talk about being cool Dimples!!

The Blooms have to make it up for their tragic error so they load up the van and go to Germany. They break into Silverfox headquarters and they’re so smooth they’re discovered in 5 minutes. Sam is held at gunpoint and Abs comes to the rescue on a white horse. Not quite but I would have loved to see that! Shane Dawson freaks out and gets hold of a gun but Abs shoots Silverfox in the shoulder and the day is saved.

This is the right moment for some slapstick comedy so while Dimples shoves Silverfox in the CIA van he smashes the door on his face. And then we get suddenly intense when Abs asks Baldie if Shane Dawson is going to be given medical treatments by the American Intelligence only to have access to his talent, just like the bad guys. How thoughtful. Baldie responds “have a nice day agents Bloom” so that obviously means “yes”.

BAM. The Blooms are in bed and they’re making devices jokes, so over and out.

Undercovers - Instructions

Alright, I’m going to tear this show down this week!! It was an hour long cry for help, oh my G.

First of all a few general notes.

Dear J.J., since the motion picture was invented shirtlessness is commonly used to milk on people’s sexual drives when there is otherwise a lack of ideas. I’m not jumping to conclusions here, you have my benefit of the doubt, hell I gave it to you even when you wanted me to believe that John Locke’s father had suddenly appeared through a magic box. Still I can’t help but wonder. There wasn’t any need for this much nudity in the Sydney Bristow days, you remember, the days when your stories still made sense? What I’m saying is although I enjoy shirtlessness very much and in this case it’s like a chunk of sweet hot chocolate in a pretty cup, is this all you’ve got? I don’t want to sound pretentious but I’m 27 now and I’m here for the contents, not just the container anymore. You should expect more of us. We have already seen Alias after all you know, our standards are pretty high!

Secondly, Baldie goes to our heroes once they’ve put their clothes back on and offers them another mission, all the while underlining that he doesn’t trust them one bit, in fact, he hates them. Now Baldie, you’ve got to give me a more convincing story as for why you called them back because this “you’re rusty and old but we want to assign the baddest ass cases to you anyway because we’re masochistic” attitude is lame and simply put it seems only 5 year olds could be satisfied with it. Because when Undercovers is on 5 year olds are asleep.

Third off, I know I said the accents were good but also there really is no need to show off. We get it, Syd’s replacement is good at British/Australian accents. You are overkilling it. Move on…!

Lastly, oh wow, the annoying Marshall Flinkman is back. Not only he’s winy, he doesn’t even invent anything. What kind of Marshall Flinkman are you kiddo? Ah but he goes on missions, and plays the dumb who’s always left out. Great, so we have to endure his presence even longer.

Now back to this week’s nightmare episode.

We’re chasing bad bad bad bomber brothers and we have one of their right arms in custidy. The abs of Steven are watching him from afar randevouzing with supposedly one of the Jonas bombers. Climax. Three bitches approach the abs and, wait for it, the abs get distracted and the right arm bails. This is the reason why Alias was successful: a woman had the lead of the show. This dumb ass escamotage could have never be plausible, such a scene could have never happened with a woman.

Considering the abs of Steven are stupid, Baldie schedules a scolding. And this is the only scene I enjoyed in this episode. The Blooms believed the right arm was as innocent as an altar boy because it was in the script, and that’s exactly what Baldie tells them. So they screwed up. Also Steven didn’t activate the tracker that he previously put in right arm’s watch because, and this is this week’s inside joke (hence the title), he doesn’t read instructions, he’s a non instructions guy (while Flunkman actually reads them cover to cover in any language, comprehending the electrical hazard warnings and that is what must get him ways with the ladies). So this is where the genius steps in. Baldie is bringing a new addition to the team, trying to increase the overall IQ I believe. Enter Leo (the blondie smirky agent from last week). Now we’re talking! Leo’s sexy dimples are apparently knowledgeable on current generation’s technology so that’s a breath of fresh air for the CIA. Also I think Baldie enjoys the sexual tensions and the teasing of dimples VS abs. But don’t we all? Aw the ancient Hamletic doubt.

It is the time for the upgraded team to recoup where they screwed and activate the tracker, but before they do that Sam’s sister manages to sneak in and have a moment of hots for Leo. Who blames her!

Abs and Dimples are in the kitchen, displaced over the set in a symmetric arrangement, one mirroring the other. Abs is trying to fix the coffee machine he broke at the beginning of the episode because, guess what, he didn’t read the instructions. Dimples is instead in front of a PC fixing the tracker remotely, because he’s cool like that. Actually, if you want my opinion, if he really was cool, he’d have a Mac. So we get the idea that this show is equally about spy things and homie things while this coffee machine/tracker system scene unfolds before our eyes. All they do is talk about instructions and Dimples having sex with Sam years and years before when they were an item. Yes, because the sex jokes and the instructions jokes are all the rage these days. But Abs suddenly finds a reason to break the recreational moment here. While Dimples explains blabber shit on how to activate the tracker Abs goes all newscaster on us and proclaims “There’s someone in this world making an explosive to BLOW UP who knows what!”. And when he says blow up with such intensity Dimples has the fakest reaction ever.

This one.

Wow, what a show-stopper concept has Abs brought up for a couple of people already on a mission to stop someone blowing up some things. On a side note Dimples implies that Abs is lying to his wife concerning his motives for leaving the CIA. Uh oh, gotcha.

Anyhow, once seriousness is restored they manage to pinpoint the location of the bomber. Stockholm. CGI postcard and… We’re in.

After a series of shenannigans that I won’t bother mentioning we get to the showdown. Jonas’ right arm is in Stockholm during a global business summit with a kidnapped doctor who’s building him a super miniaturized bomb, it’s really hard to guess what his agenda is, especially for SPIES… But they’re so good they make it out! It’s kinda like me kidnapping Anna Wintour, steal her pass and then head out wearing a brown bob wig and big glasses in New York City during fashion week. Who knows what I might be doing next!

So our talented and intelligent agents rush to the summit and they change their clothes for the cameras in the parking lot. More shirtlessness. They get all dolled up and Sam’s wearing a Herve Leger. It’s fair to say that in this episode the clothes have been otherwise pretty believable, unlike last week. No Loubs, just trainers. Note how in the close ups she’s had a noticeable trip to the hairdresser.

They’re tipped by the good doctor who was forced to build the bomb that it actually is in a cell phone so while Sam and Dimples search for it, Abs follows the bad guy. Sam is divided between the red and the black wire for a while then cuts the black and after a moment of suspense obviously the bomb stops. All the while Abs punches right arm in the face, but I’d be more convincing at it. He’s supposed to be the best spy there is??? Ah ah. I laugh at you show. Still they win. Bad guys are down. Ka ching.

And apparently every episode ends with the Blooms having sex (this time she rewards him because he finally read the instructions of the coffee machine and made a cappuccino). Great!

See you next week, maybe.

Undercovers - Pilot

Pilots are always meah, you know, nothing’s really breathtaking, just a showcase of characters and situations. There are two exceptions to this general rule: Alias and Lost, both shows brought to you by a tiny man by the name of J.J. Abrams. Some things this man has written have changed my life. I would even watch a 7^th Heaven reboot if he was involved.

That’s why I didn’t think twice before tuning in to the series premiere of Undercovers. A.k.a. Alias 2.0.

Let me start by telling you how much I love Alias, better yet, let me show you how much I love Alias.

This is me at a TV show themed birthday party last week. LAST WEEK. So you get where I stand right? (on the left side I'm clearly cracking into a super secure remote system from a cell phone)

Let me start from the beginning. First scene of the show there’s a spy running away with a BAD ROBOT pen drive. Number one, I want that; number two, you getting confident J.J.? Awesome. Smirks. He then proceeds to launch himself off buildings while the drums of an old Alias score come tumbling in. See what I mean? I bet they didn’t even re-record it. And it gets better!

Our heroes are introduced and they own a catering service. Our leading lady has a stupid black sister. Francine anyone??

They have resigned from CIA five years before and they are called back on duty by an old bald guy whom we will see later on wearing a collar shirt and tie over boxers, comic relief. Now freeze. Since this notion is stated (the retirement not the boxers) I am never going to see these guys’ faces ever again. All I see is their bodies, and on top of those there are Jennifer Garner and Michael Vartan’s heads respectively. Come on. This is basically what happens some years after the end of Alias. Syd and Vaughn grow tired of the house on the beach and get back in the game. I don’t care about you, but that is the show I am going to be seeing from now on.

After a brief scene where we’re thrust with the notion that Syd and Vaughn are missing being spies after all, we are introduced to the astonishing new concept of a CGI postcard which announces the city where the action is going to take place. Wow this shit is avant garde!

I am not going to get into the details of the mission here but let me note two things. Throughout the episode I counted five different pairs of Loubs on this woman. Seriously? She goes to break into an apartment in Madrid wearing a white crepe pencil skirt suit paired with red patent 4.5 inch heeled pumps. Are you shitting me? All the while he looks like he just stepped off an Armani catwalk. I mean Syd had her fucking stylish moments too but keep it real you guys! Secondly I am nor Spanish nor French but I live close by both of these countries and I have never heard quite as good faux accents before. I’m talking every single spy show ever made. Need more dialect coaches? “No gracias estamos bien”.

When we go back to the first agent we met we are presented with the obvious J.J. self-reference. The chair scene. In the first episode of Alias flame hot red motherfucking Sydney Bristow was being tortured by the bad ass round glassed creepy Chinese guy. Here the blondie agent is being punched in the face by the bland chubby Russian guy.

Just a few minutes later we are treated with the second reference. The jumping off a plane scene. I would probably bet my Alias DVD collection that they used the exact same backdrop! Syd and Vaughn talking over the slide at the back of the aircraft, aw memories…

Finally our most favorite character of the J.J. Abrams franchise is mentioned twice: Langley, Virginia. I missed you so much!

I enjoyed the first hour of this show although my jaw never dropped and that’s news to me on a J.J. Abrams’ production. I am going to tune in again even if I’m still unsure if I ought to be happy he went back to his roots and still has it going on or biased because he’s serving us a re-heated soup.

The good, the bad and the UGLY

I confess I enjoy sinking my teeth into E! television. I feel it gives you the exact level of addiction while throwing in the occasional film backstage piece which makes it ok to watch and save appearances. So what it looks like: I’m interested in the making-ofs and thorough interviews. What it really is: reality, reality, REALITY.

I was going to be OCD about this particular train of thoughts, so I bookmarked interesting case studies on nowadays television and I was going to read them and make a wonderful essay out of it… That’s how my mind works. But I decided to fight it, so I didn’t read those articles and I’m just going for the dirt!

There are three shameless productions on tv these days that jump to the eye, each for a set of different reasons which I am going to judge because I am a paying viewer and I can.

GIULIANA & BILL

First of all God almighty Bill is fine. F. I. N. E. I don’t know what his deal is with Donald Trump because I don’t think we get The Apprentice here in Italy so first time I saw him I thought he was simply a motivational man running around the States getting paid to blab on granted stuff and be praised for it.

On a side note, I don’t get this kind of jobs. In Italy they would never work. Imagine someone getting in a conference room at some workplace and go: “To advance in your careers and be successful in your lives you have to be focused and hard working, sleep at least 8 hours a day, drink plenty of water and try to always be at the top of your game”. Even if this is just an example I can already hear blowing raspberries. We have grandmothers here for that kind of advice, thank you very much.

Anyhow, initially I thought Bill was this kind of useless guru but I found out later on that he actually does a bunch of other stuff too, which all in all makes him just more fascinating.

Giuliana I knew, being a consumed E! watcher, and I already explained how I like it for the movie backstages. And of course the serious show-business related news. What I didn’t know is that she’s funny and witty, kinda frivolous at times but mostly very grounded. I have the feeling she’s the best of both worlds. She gives me the impression that she’s worked hard to get where she’s at and she deserves to be happy and dwell on lighter sides of life if she wants to. Even though I love it when Bill crashes all of her over the top plans with his practical manly snaps, and muscular arms, and pretty hazel eyes, and perfect little scar on upper lip.

I enjoy watching these two because they are natural and never boring. Although this show is most certainly scripted it is not over the top, it’s not trying to typecast these two people. They don’t want to stand out. They’re graceful.

And of course my favorite moments are the ones that involve Italian speech of any sort. Holy lasagnas, she has the thickest accent. She doesn’t even speak Italian, what she speaks is a long lost dialect known to 100 year old people only. Your ears can be gifted with it just in the most remote villages around Naples, and here we have this woman who grew up in America, has a college degree and a public persona who speaks just like that. Hilarious! I am not even going to get started on her family, but I would take an Italianish speaking Bill Rancic anytime.

Keeping up with the kardashians

Here is a concept I don’t quite get: a whole family becomes famous because they’re so good at doing… Nothing! Now that the Kardashians are notorious I can understand why the usual nosey 21^st century person would want to see whatever happens in their living room, but back when the show started, when no one even knew who they were, how the hell did the network manage to make people interested in tuning in to this kind of show? That I don’t understand.

Let’s see how great this family is.

Kris Jenner. I don’t mean to disrespect but these type of mothers that would not only accept but dwell in their children being famous for being slutty and incapable at any actual craft I can only picture in the US. The country that works on appearance and publicity. Not saying that the rest of the world isn’t following close, but I don’t see any Kardashians in Europe yet. She says she works really hard but I don’t see how she can considering it must take her the whole morning to get dressed an have her make up done (you don’t believe me to buy that she does that herself do you?) and she spends a lot of the remaining time going back and forth to Miami.

Bruce Jenner. So he looks normal, he’s had his glorious past and he is now working as the abovementioned motivational useless guru. Why this occupation seems to be so popular I am not going to try to make out and I won’t repeat myself on how useless I find it. Useless. The thing is if you are as normal as you look Bruce, where the hell did you get the insane idea of marrying Kris?

Kourtney Kardashian. Excuse me for my limited vocabulary but I am to be reusing this word because I find it really fitting for a lot of names here: useless. The only storyline that the writers are able to fit her into is her ongoing drama with the boyfriend and the son because she actually isn’t good at anything else. She isn’t pretty, she isn’t witty, she’s winy and not at all articulate. Bad, bad example to put on television.

Kim Kardashian. I don’t approve of girls becoming famous for having big tits but at least I can see that she has made somewhat of a career for herself. Her voice is annoying but she was able to transform her sex tape and consequent invitations to showcase her body at big events in Hollywood into money making fragrances, calendars and publicity deals.

Khloe Kardashian. Big mouthed girl. I can see how being the ugly duckling she had to resort to some kind of wits to get her noticed, but that was probably good for her, because she looks like the only sister with a personality. Spoiled rich brat personality but still a lot more than I’d have expected for someone who was raised in this family. Also the writers make it look like she’s trying to do something with her life with various jobs at radio shows and managing clothes stores. Of course she only got those opportunities because her mom allowed her daughters to be slutty o television, and she never had to print a single resume in her life, but hey this world isn’t perfect and we all know that.

Kendall & Kylie Jenner. Poor babies.

Scott Disick. I don’t believe for one split second this guy actually is the way he is portrayed to be. He must be a very good actor because he is as close a douchebag to Johnny Lawrence in the original Karate kid movie, and that is a whole lot of douche. No one would have made a baby with this guy otherwise. All in all he’s my favorite character. At least he has some consistent dramatic distinctiveness.

I have watched marathons of this show, in strictly non-chronological order, so I didn’t get much of the storyline except it just keeps on repeating itself. I won’t deny it is well fabricated and addictive, but it is also so blatantly scripted that you might just as well watch an episode of The bold and the beautiful to the same enjoyment. The production behind this show is trying hard to make you envious of these three retarded chicks slapping to your fake-lash-less face that you will never have a perfect smoky eye at 7 am in the morning, you will never be able to buy a 5.5 million house in Bel Air with your basketball playing husband, and you will never be presented with free Chanel purses, while they all are.

KIMORA LEE SIMMONS’ LIFE IN THE FAB LANE

Just reading her name makes me sick to my stomach. She is the most obnoxious self-centered piece of fuck chubby woman I have ever seen.

She proclaims herself a model, a mogul and a mom.

Well, first off a mom doesn’t spoil rotten her 7 and 9 year old daughters. And I mean having babysitters lay down so that they can walk all over them, sending them to SPA treatments, having them model on catwalks, believe they are the princesses of the whole wide universe and they can do nothing wrong. A mom doesn’t disrespect her employees treating them like the vilest worms on the planet in front of her children. A mom should set an example and interfacing with your own assistants turning up your nose like they smell of crap and having them manually remove your boots because they hurt your fat feet is NOT an example.

Being a mogul actually implies that you have a successful business. As far as I’m concerned I have seen her golden plated faucets (ding ding) but I have yet to see a single decent piece of clothing by her. All she makes are cheap, tacky, animal print pieces of fabric where someone has vomited glitter on. I can only picture them on cleaning ladies. Not because the cleaning ladies are cheap and tacky but because they have a tendency to dirt their clothes during their working hours, and with the clothes Kimora designs that would not be a problem, cause you could throw them directly to the fire, no harm.

Lastly, shed the cloths from over the mirrors Kimora. You were a model, now you have five chins.