Undercovers - Instructions

Alright, I’m going to tear this show down this week!! It was an hour long cry for help, oh my G.

First of all a few general notes.

Dear J.J., since the motion picture was invented shirtlessness is commonly used to milk on people’s sexual drives when there is otherwise a lack of ideas. I’m not jumping to conclusions here, you have my benefit of the doubt, hell I gave it to you even when you wanted me to believe that John Locke’s father had suddenly appeared through a magic box. Still I can’t help but wonder. There wasn’t any need for this much nudity in the Sydney Bristow days, you remember, the days when your stories still made sense? What I’m saying is although I enjoy shirtlessness very much and in this case it’s like a chunk of sweet hot chocolate in a pretty cup, is this all you’ve got? I don’t want to sound pretentious but I’m 27 now and I’m here for the contents, not just the container anymore. You should expect more of us. We have already seen Alias after all you know, our standards are pretty high!

Secondly, Baldie goes to our heroes once they’ve put their clothes back on and offers them another mission, all the while underlining that he doesn’t trust them one bit, in fact, he hates them. Now Baldie, you’ve got to give me a more convincing story as for why you called them back because this “you’re rusty and old but we want to assign the baddest ass cases to you anyway because we’re masochistic” attitude is lame and simply put it seems only 5 year olds could be satisfied with it. Because when Undercovers is on 5 year olds are asleep.

Third off, I know I said the accents were good but also there really is no need to show off. We get it, Syd’s replacement is good at British/Australian accents. You are overkilling it. Move on…!

Lastly, oh wow, the annoying Marshall Flinkman is back. Not only he’s winy, he doesn’t even invent anything. What kind of Marshall Flinkman are you kiddo? Ah but he goes on missions, and plays the dumb who’s always left out. Great, so we have to endure his presence even longer.

Now back to this week’s nightmare episode.

We’re chasing bad bad bad bomber brothers and we have one of their right arms in custidy. The abs of Steven are watching him from afar randevouzing with supposedly one of the Jonas bombers. Climax. Three bitches approach the abs and, wait for it, the abs get distracted and the right arm bails. This is the reason why Alias was successful: a woman had the lead of the show. This dumb ass escamotage could have never be plausible, such a scene could have never happened with a woman.

Considering the abs of Steven are stupid, Baldie schedules a scolding. And this is the only scene I enjoyed in this episode. The Blooms believed the right arm was as innocent as an altar boy because it was in the script, and that’s exactly what Baldie tells them. So they screwed up. Also Steven didn’t activate the tracker that he previously put in right arm’s watch because, and this is this week’s inside joke (hence the title), he doesn’t read instructions, he’s a non instructions guy (while Flunkman actually reads them cover to cover in any language, comprehending the electrical hazard warnings and that is what must get him ways with the ladies). So this is where the genius steps in. Baldie is bringing a new addition to the team, trying to increase the overall IQ I believe. Enter Leo (the blondie smirky agent from last week). Now we’re talking! Leo’s sexy dimples are apparently knowledgeable on current generation’s technology so that’s a breath of fresh air for the CIA. Also I think Baldie enjoys the sexual tensions and the teasing of dimples VS abs. But don’t we all? Aw the ancient Hamletic doubt.

It is the time for the upgraded team to recoup where they screwed and activate the tracker, but before they do that Sam’s sister manages to sneak in and have a moment of hots for Leo. Who blames her!

Abs and Dimples are in the kitchen, displaced over the set in a symmetric arrangement, one mirroring the other. Abs is trying to fix the coffee machine he broke at the beginning of the episode because, guess what, he didn’t read the instructions. Dimples is instead in front of a PC fixing the tracker remotely, because he’s cool like that. Actually, if you want my opinion, if he really was cool, he’d have a Mac. So we get the idea that this show is equally about spy things and homie things while this coffee machine/tracker system scene unfolds before our eyes. All they do is talk about instructions and Dimples having sex with Sam years and years before when they were an item. Yes, because the sex jokes and the instructions jokes are all the rage these days. But Abs suddenly finds a reason to break the recreational moment here. While Dimples explains blabber shit on how to activate the tracker Abs goes all newscaster on us and proclaims “There’s someone in this world making an explosive to BLOW UP who knows what!”. And when he says blow up with such intensity Dimples has the fakest reaction ever.

This one.

Wow, what a show-stopper concept has Abs brought up for a couple of people already on a mission to stop someone blowing up some things. On a side note Dimples implies that Abs is lying to his wife concerning his motives for leaving the CIA. Uh oh, gotcha.

Anyhow, once seriousness is restored they manage to pinpoint the location of the bomber. Stockholm. CGI postcard and… We’re in.

After a series of shenannigans that I won’t bother mentioning we get to the showdown. Jonas’ right arm is in Stockholm during a global business summit with a kidnapped doctor who’s building him a super miniaturized bomb, it’s really hard to guess what his agenda is, especially for SPIES… But they’re so good they make it out! It’s kinda like me kidnapping Anna Wintour, steal her pass and then head out wearing a brown bob wig and big glasses in New York City during fashion week. Who knows what I might be doing next!

So our talented and intelligent agents rush to the summit and they change their clothes for the cameras in the parking lot. More shirtlessness. They get all dolled up and Sam’s wearing a Herve Leger. It’s fair to say that in this episode the clothes have been otherwise pretty believable, unlike last week. No Loubs, just trainers. Note how in the close ups she’s had a noticeable trip to the hairdresser.

They’re tipped by the good doctor who was forced to build the bomb that it actually is in a cell phone so while Sam and Dimples search for it, Abs follows the bad guy. Sam is divided between the red and the black wire for a while then cuts the black and after a moment of suspense obviously the bomb stops. All the while Abs punches right arm in the face, but I’d be more convincing at it. He’s supposed to be the best spy there is??? Ah ah. I laugh at you show. Still they win. Bad guys are down. Ka ching.

And apparently every episode ends with the Blooms having sex (this time she rewards him because he finally read the instructions of the coffee machine and made a cappuccino). Great!

See you next week, maybe.