I have an issue with it. The people that were trying to convince me that being a childlike person is an irresponsible thing to do also pinpointed that respect was an important issue, so far so good, and that I was lacking a good perspective on it. They were right. Probably this is not a problem for most people, maybe most of us are born with it, but me, I was so unsure of myself, I had so little respect for me in the first place that I wasn’t demanding it from anybody else. I think normally life shows you a way to improve yourself and not in every case you need someone to spell it out for you. But while respect may come natural to some, I needed these people to turn a light on for me.
Since that light has been lit I have a fair good idea of what kind of respect I want. Thing is not every time I manage to make it clear.
As far as the people who turned the light on, I don’t like the way they act anymore. We fell apart. Because I started demanding more respect from them as well. How ironic. They weren’t treating me with any. They were just dictating the way I was supposed to be to their eyes. Take this for granted, I’m not going to explain, I warned you this past one has been the worst year of my life.
So one thing is to know what you want, one thing is to obtain it. And although I’ve learned my lesson and it was ugly believe me, I still find myself stalling when presented with respect demanding situations.
I have a theory why that is. I am not used to rudeness and arrogance. I’m not saying I’m perfectly candid, I may get on the unkind spot every once in a while, I may snap my friends and family from time to time but it’s overall really mild. What I’m talking about here it’s people that truly can’t hold their own. When that happens it always astounds me and I’m left wordless, hence I don’t ask for respect.
Let’s say you come up to me and we have some kind of relationship and you ask me nicely how it went yesterday, I am capable of answering: “Oh well, don’t wanna talk about it”. But if you barely know me and you sneak yourself under my nose in front of a lot of people, and I’ve never told you one single private thing about my life and you know it, and I didn’t come to you in the first place, and you don’t even care about how it went yesterday, you’re just asking for the attention, and you loudly go: “I’m so curious, I wanna know, tell me tell me!” like you’re a five year old talking about candy during a break at school, I should tell you: “Hey, this is not stickers you’re talking about Miss, it’s my life and I never gave you the impression that I wanted to share it with you and your rude stuck up manners, so go fuck yourself”, but I don’t. Because I feel uncomfortable offending people. Because I always try to moderate. Because I always try to avoid unpleasantness.
I’m tired of this attitude, it gets in the way of the respect I deserve. But at the same time I don’t want to start being the rude one and transfer to the other side of the barricade.
Is it just an excuse? I don’t know. But I had to suffer a shitload in order to get this lesson clear and I need to make it happen. I told the turning-the-light-on people that I was going to be fine and a good person and respect worthy even without them and as sure as hell I’m going to prove to myself that I can.
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