Undercovers - Jailbreak

Here we go with the accent episode. No, the title is not “accents” but it might as well have been. Today we learn that not just Sam is good with Great Britain inflections, but so is the rest of the cast. Bravo!

Dublin, Ireland. I’m distracted. Ok, I will tell you the truth. Scottish and Irish accents arouse the bejizzle out of me so I don’t care what these guys are saying, I just want to see them naked. Anyhow something has been stolen, go figure.

And, after the first couple of minutes in a foreign prelude we are, like each week before, surprisingly catapulted to the Bloom Catering offices. I’m wondering if the main outline of the episodes will start changing as the show evolves. I fear not. Stupid sister is there at 7 am cooking. Oh God writers please do not start a storyline for her, that’ll be a serious waste of money and some very good shows are being cancelled for financial difficulties right about now, think about that. Anyway I will dismiss this nonsense quickly. She’s trying to kiss the Blooms’ black slick asses because she wants their secret secret-agents’ money and she wants it now. I’ll spare you the pain of watching and tell you straight, Sam will give it to her, but Steve, oh Steve is a human lie detector, and his detecting sensor is mounted on his perfect abs, so that’s why it works so well. In fact he doesn’t buy this charade for a second. And he knows he’s right. He knows it so well he publicly displays his superiority by stand-offishly biting a shiny apple. You work it pal!

Spy-wise Baldie joins the Blues Brothers and implies ONCE AGAIN that the Blooms have been reactivated for some shady purpose. You already said that, we are not deaf, and if we were deaf we’d have subtitles so please move on!! But before his stupid stint is over he has one more present for us and he refers to the Blooms as rusty ONE MORE TIME. Right after that though he admits they’re not unintelligent. That sweeps through my auditory canal like a breath of fresh air. At any rate Baldie goes on to inform our sexspionagers that the hot accent guy has actually stolen a hard drive from a CIA cargo hence the old ballad of info selling. You get the gist of it. The news is he was actually arrested but escaped prison by faking a seizure while blatantly wearing an obnoxious wig. Can’t these people just cast actors with long hair??

Abs and Sam are flown to the prison right away to get a lead on the escaped prisoner. They are all equipped with fake identities and, of course, fake accents. Once they get there they are informed that their supposed boss is already on the premises. Drum roll, scared faces, camera pans right and… There is Leo. Hello Leo. Yes, you smile like that and ratings will go UP!!!!

Sam scolds him about passing as chief inspector, a move that was not exactly what you would call inconspicuous. But Leo replies that “you can’t spell inconspicuous without conspicuous” and you can see there and then that Sam wants to rip his clothes off. And quite frankly, so do I. Leo states he’s there to help them get their spy legs back and you can see there and then that Steve wants to bite him alive. And quite frankly, so do I, especially the neck. Yummy. While the guys talk about a few magazines that were found in the cell, which Leo had to confiscate for research – PORN – Sam finds a teddy bear full of what I assume to be seizure inducing drugs. Unfortunately it’s not that obvious for them and they resort to calling Flunkman for analysis. He keeps saying “matey” and that’s the most annoying he’s ever been so I will ignore him completely.

The detecting sensor in Steve abs smells an affiliation between hot accent wigged guy and an Irish gang. So Flunkman, who apparently is pretty crafted at drawing (this doesn’t make you any better, stop hoping) replicates the famous gang’s tattoo on Steve’s neck so he can infiltrate. Meanwhile hot accent guy shaves his wig off and wears sunglasses, great disguise, just like Peter Parker’s.

Here’s right about when it happens, possible character developing. Just as he’d done with Steve a couple of weeks ago Leo asks Sam if she’d been honest with the real motives that made her leave the CIA. And, wait for it, she hasn’t! I spy with my little eye a lot of lies here people. Start using them for plot purposes!! We should be so lucky. In fact Steve ruins the party and everybody goes to work.

The group splits up. The humping bunnies go to the gang’s headquarters to investigate while Leo and Flunkman reach for hot accent guy’s ex wife and find out she has the same teddy bear that was found in the cell. She is therefore a suspect and this allows Leo to have sex with her to extract information. Unfortunately she has not much to say, but Leo is not too discouraged by that.

At the gang’s Steve manages to get the name of hot accent guy’s partner in crime and Flunkman pinpoints the location of his house. They go there but there is no sign of the suspect. Instead they find Leo. Info travel faster under the sheets. The abs cannot suffer this kind of slight so they engage in a verbal slam-down with their disguised nemesis. Sadly for Steve Leo has the best of it comparing himself to a cheetah on the African plains that will always be ahead of him until he gets his spy legs back, thus being able to close the gap, mind, not catch up to him. Whoa! The race is on! Once things start to interestingly swirl over to Leo’s sex life Flunkman sadly intrudes. He’s found a cell phone number that will track hot accent partner down at the first phone call he gets. So we sit around, waiting. While we enjoy this dull moment of idleness the apple sneaks back in. Nice to see you again Ruby!

Hot accent partner finally gets a call. It’s hot accent wigless guy asking for a meet up. A little chat among friends I suppose. Once they get there Wigless’ true colors actually shine through as a damn doublecrosser. Ouch. I feel there’s always a doublecross in these Undercovers plot but surprisingly they haven’t bored me yet. Anyway Wigless has Partner’s wife and he wants to start flying solo, meaning he doesn’t want to have Partner as a partner anymore. Oh he must be crushed. So Partner has to back off if he wants to have his wife back. Of course he does. Wife is let go and while slowly scarily walking toward Partner, she gets a freaking gun and shoots her husband out cold. Ouch. OUCH!

Our talented spies and some of their high heels get in a little too late, but they are so not “unintelligent” that they figure out the murder must have been Wigless’ fault. Flunkman of course has an answer to any question so we are lead the way to London, England by means of a nice swing melody. That’s where Wigless and Traitor Wife are at.

They are checked in a hotel under the name George Best (another piece of info courtesy of Leo’s sexual intercourse), the only thing missing is a room number. Flunkman gets hold of it using what he calls the reverse seduction, meaning he had the lady concierge so focused on rejecting him she didn’t realize he’d downloaded the whole hotel registry on his cell. If it had been me working at that desk I would have puked all over his phone making his download trick totally useless. Observing the whole scene from afar already had me somewhat nauseous.

The quartet storms in George Best’s room. Traitor Wife is the only one there so they interrogate her. She is going to the opera to deliver the hard disk to the buyer. She doesn’t physically have the drive herself though, Wigless is going to make his appearance with it once the money is handed over. Luckily Traitor Wife is the same dress size as Sam so she can pose as her at the Royal freaking Albert Hall.

They display themselves as follows: Leo stewards in the main stalls, Sam pretends to be an attendee and waits for the buyer, Steve plays tympani in the orchestra (yes, wtf! Talking about being inconspicuous), and Flunkman thank God stays behind guarding Traitor Wife.

The buyer gets there and Sam texts Wigless just as he had instructed Traitor Wife to do. He then communicates her where he and the hard disk are located, in order to get to them, via a number. Of course Sam doesn’t have a clue what that number means and stalls for a second. Buyer gets suspicious and he’s totally on to her. That’s when the most awesome thing happens. While Buyer confronts Sam, Steve tells her to move slightly left when the strings kick in. As she does he shoots some narcotic right into Buyer’s stomach with the drumsticks - from the stage.

Meanwhile Leo figures out the number actually relates to a parking spot underneath the building so he rushes to the garage and sure enough finds Wigless, who is sufficiently quick to hold him at gunpoint. What’s faster then cheetahs Leo??  Steve sneaks off the stage and retrieves the briefcase full of money from under sleeping beauty Buyer’s seat but before heading to the garage he puts something in it. Once Sam joins the party as well Wigless throws her the hard drive and asks for his money. She won’t give it to him (and to be fair she doesn’t even have it), not even when he threatens to kill Leo. Her great excuse is that they have Traitor Wife in custody and she promises they’re going to shoot her if he shoots Leo. Turns out Wigless doesn’t give a fuck about Traitor Wife. She hears that and even sheds a tear.

Right at that moment the best spy on the planet – that’d be Steve – fortunately has a brilliant idea. He’s going to give Wigless the briefcase full of money AND let him keep Leo. Nice plan! No different than what he did to him in Belgrade. BAM, another previous mission reference, this could get juicy. I wonder how Wigless doesn’t figure out they’re planning to play him around. And they surely do. Leo jumps out of the car and a bomb explodes. Deafened by the noise he loudly states Steve finally got his spy legs back. He looks like a 7 year old on his birthday. He’s cute.

Back home Baldie asks if Sam knew there was a bomb in the briefcase when Steve handed it to Wigless. She says yes. Filthy liar. And that’s when all the chickens come home to roost. Leo had questioned the hot couple before: were they hiding their past from one another so they could shelter the agency, like they were stating, or instead in order to protect their shady selves? We are starting to get an answer to that question.

Sam is not sure the pact she made with her husband is a good idea anymore, she’s jealous she didn’t know about Belgrade while Leo did. She feels guilty that they’re not telling each other things about themselves, which is no different than lying. Spot on young lady. She wants to come clean about why she left the agency but Steve stops her mumbling some lame excuse on how he doesn’t want to know it as long as the fact that they wanted to leave a normal life was part of it. You could have come up with something more believable Steve! Of course Sam, being the spy that she is, totally smells the stink and implies that maybe Steve is saying all this because he doesn’t want to let her in HIS past. Steve finds himself stuck in a corner here so he does what every man would have done. He kisses her to shut her mouth. And she does what every woman would have done, she enjoys it. While Steve sneaks a pensive, untrustworthy look behind her back.

Surprisingly this episode ends without sex.